Letter From The Prime Minister

As the hundreds of new Tory members of Parliament know, this book has been privately circulated in manuscript form for over a year, on the assumption that we would achieve a majority government.

Now that we have -- in spades, I approached the publisher, who rushed it into print. He felt, as I do, that, as a matter of public record, this manuscript should be made available to all Canadians, including even the handful who didn't vote Tory on September 4.

The Tory Handbook describes the Tory style -- that Great Blue Rinse which will wash the country clean -- which we trust will rule in
Ottawa well into the nineties.

Although this handbook is primarily for new
MPs, it's really for everyone who wishes to eat, drink, sleep, even think Tory for the rest
of the century. The media have labelled 1984 "Orwell's Year". But we know that it is really Brian's year. And he'll be watching you, too.

"Deep Chin"
September, 1984

Chapter 10: What Shall We Do With Joe? Joe Must Go Somewhere!

Don't laugh. One of the most admirable things about the Chinese and the Jews is that they take very good care of their elderly, indigent, sick. We could learn a lot from them.

Which brings us to the painful subject at hand: What shall we do with the Right Honourable Joseph P. Clark, who, after all, ran this country, without incurring many debts, political or financial, back in the late 1970s and early 1980s? (You can see just how easy it is to be generous.)

We are not talking about a senior citizen here; we are not talking about a retiring head of a party. We are talking about a young man, still in his forties, still in control of all his faculties, or at least as much in control of his faculties as he was just a few short years ago.

Which may be part of the problem at hand. He's still a bit youthful to play the role of elder statesman. And, unlike Richard Nixon, he may well want to try for the top spot again, God forbid.

So what do we do with him? Pierre Trudeau, if you'll pardon the vulgarity, took his arch-enemy, John Turner, and plunked him down in the high-profile and extremely difficult position of Finance Minister. And look what happened! Less than a decade later, Turner ran for the top job and found he had no option. Do we want this to happen to us?

More cynical Tories might recommend what Peter Demeter did to his wife, or what someone must have done to Jimmy Hoffa. But we Tories don't act like that. It would be unconscionably immoral. And anyway, American hit-men usually ask for their money up front -- and in U.S. dollars -- which can run up a pretty steep bill.

Okay, it comes down to this: Joe Clark is ready, willing, and more than available to take
on any job which is commensurate with his background, skills, and intelligence.

I know what you are thinking. So try some of these:

- Send Joe Clark to be the Assistant High Commissioner to Australia, where he would be in charge of apologizing for the actions and words of Ed and Lily Schreyer.

Arguments for: Australia is on the other side of the globe.

Arguments against: Australia is still on the planet Earth.

- Send Joe Clark to solve the sectarian violence in Lebanon.

Arguments for: he could get hurt.

Arguments against: he might not get hurt.

- Send Joe Clark to work out a peace agreement between Iraq and a hard place.

Arguments for: it's half-way around the world, and the job could take many years to achieve.

Arguments against: Khomeini could die, Iran could sue for peace, and Joe could win the Nobel Prize for Peace and get on the cover of Maclean's.


- Send Joe Clark to medical school, have him earn a psychoanalytical degree, and send him to Libya to treat Muammar al-Gaddafi for insanity.

Arguments for: medical school can take up to a decade; psychoanalysis, of the classical Freudian kind, can take many, many years.

Arguments against: absolutely none.

As you can see, we have a problem here, and it is in many ways as difficult to solve as getting the budget deficit down to a few bucks.

We have to count on you. If you have any real brainstorms, call 996-WHOM in Ottawa (area code 613), and tell us what you think we should do with Joe.

And -- one more favour, before you read any further. We've typed up a simple form on
the next page. Please fill it in, tear it out, and mail to:

JOE JOBS
P.O. Box 1980
Postal Station Eh?
Ottawa, Ontario
KOP OUT