Dear ___________ ,

This letter is to complain about the way I was treated on my flight from ______ to ______
last ______. I wouldn't treat a dog the way you treated me on that flight; first, because dogs deserve better, and second, because since you lost my dog on the flight I can no longer treat him any way at all. He was about __ years old, with colouring, and his pedigree
includes a background of ______ and just a little ______ (I never claimed he was a purebred).

He answers to the name of ______ and
although he has never flown before, he has
been up in the air so long now he could
probably qualify for a pilot's license.

How can anybody lose a dog on an airplane flight? Luggage, perhaps; virginity, maybe; appetite, sans doute. But a dog?

If is not back in my arms and home by this I plan to go to the head office of your corporation in and bite your president.

Sincerely yours,

____________

To The Hospital Where Your
Baby Was Born

Dear Hospital Staff:

How can I ever thank you for your assistance in delivering my most recent child last ______ __ , 19__.

It was a real thrill to be in such competent hands, even though at times they weren't particularly clean.

The delivery itself went smoothly, probably thanks to the millions of dollars worth of sparkling equipment you used on me. But if
I had three dozen machines beeping and bopping around me, and I wasn't even born yet, I probably would be as panic-stricken
as my baby was.

I'm sure it was necessary for you to rush my newborn away from me, to be sent off to another part of the hospital for "observation." I ended up bonding wonderfully with the head nurse in the ward, and the giant monitoring machine that kept me awake that night.

I needn't mention the hospital food. And the fact that the nurse kept shoving a bottle of sugar-water into my infant's mouth whenever I tried to nurse, and her slipping a "gift-pack" of infant formula into my purse before I left was, I am sure, only a sign of her eagerness to help.

Strange, though: when I gave birth to my first child in the back seat of a taxi, I never got sick, but I've had the most bizarre infections ever since I left your hospital. Do you suppose that's because normal people take cabs, whereas sick people tend to go to hospitals?

Sincerely,

____________