Sadly, the fate of the baby seals of Newfoundland is the only reason Brigitte Bardot pays any attention to Canada.

The annual baby seal hunt is crucial to the Newfoundland economy, bringing many hundreds of precious dollars into that province's coffers; unfortunately, many countries around the world have boycotted thousands of Canadian companies because of the hunt, leading to the loss of millions of precious dollars from Ottawa's coffers. This is what is known in Parliamentese as "transfer payments."

If the seals must be clubbed to death in front of their mothers, with their pelts peeled off while they are still alive, it is the federal government's policy that the wounded seals should be given last rites in both official languages, as well as in whatever it is that they speak in Newfoundland.



Banking

These are your monthly service charges:
NSF CHEQUE under $25 ...... $25.
NSF CHEQUE over $25 ...... As much as they can get away with.
Pay a utility bill ...... $5.
Pay an overdue utility bill ...... $500.
Write a cheque ...... 85¢.
Write a messy cheque that's hard to read ...... $3.95.
Write a cheque with a stupid painting on it ...... $35.
Write a cheque with your ex-husband's name on it ...... $12.25.
Write a cheque that you forget to sign ...... $68.60.
Write a cheque to someone whom you label as "Mrs. So-and So" when the teller is a feminist ...... $10.00.
Purchase foreign currency ...... $3.50.
Purchase foreign currency from an unfriendly country ...... $8.95.
Purchase foreign currency from a fascist dictatorship that is financially supported by a Canadian chartered bank ...... 20¢.
Pay your cable TV bill ...... $1.75.
Pay a cable TV bill from a company that the teller has had a disagreement with ...... $11.75.
Pay a parking ticket ...... $5.00.
Fix a speeding ticket through the bank manager who has a brother-in-law who is a cop ...... $50.00.
Overdraft charge ...... $6.00
Underhanded charges (miscellaneous) ...... $25.00.
Mortgage renewal ...... $190.00.
Mortgage renewal that you switched over from another bank ...... $1.00.
A cheque to you from another bank, that bounced ...... $7.50.
A cheque to you from another branch of this bank, that bounced ...... $5.00.
A cheque to you from this branch, that bounced ...... $4.50.
Cost of the time it takes for the teller to regain her respect for you after all those bouncing cheques you keep getting from so-called friends ...... $15 an hour.
Using an Automated Teller Machine ...... $1.30.
Using an Automated Teller Machine after 9 PM ...... $2.50.
Using an Automated Teller Machine on Sunday ...... $5.00.
Using an Automated Teller Machine to withdraw money out that you are only going to waste on frivolous purchases ...... $35.00.
Expecting a Teller to smile at you ...... $1.00.
Getting the Teller to smile at you ...... $4.00.
Talking about stupid family matters with the Teller when she's trying to concentrate ...... $32.00.
Talking to the Automated Teller as if it were a real, live Teller ...... $50.00.
Opening a savings account of less than $100 ...... $100.00.
Opening a savings account of over $10,000 ...... $1,000.00.
Closing a savings account within 90 days of opening it ...... $75.00.
Oil and Lube ...... $19.95, but this week only.



Wayne Gretzky

Probably the greatest Canadian Institution today, and not a bad hockey player either. Born in Brantford, Ontario, in 1961, Gretzky attracted immediate notice by swatting his placenta across the hospital room at the moment of his birth. He was still attached to it, however, nearly checking himself into the boards, had it not been for his father, Walter, who was there to catch both. Gretzky began to crawl in skates at the age of seven months, and walk in skates when he was two. He did not learn to walk in shoes until he was well into adolescence.

When Gretzky was three, he was optioned by the Brantford Bombers, for whom he scored 1,455 goals in his first season. Sportswriters believe that the child would have broken 2,500 goals that year, had it not been for the serious injury he incurred halfway through the season: two dozen enraged parents of the other kids on his team attacked him in an alley after a game in which he scored thirty-eight goals, nearly killing him.

By the age of six, Gretzky was invited to join the National Hockey League, but his parents thought it was too early. "Leave him his childhood!" cried his father, Walter, during an all-night practice session with Wayne on their backyard rink.

Finally, at the age of seventeen, Wayne Gretzky turned professional, and for a mere $250,000 began playing for Nelson Skalbania. Then the boy was bought (and then sold) by Peter Pocklington, who not only had the money (and a shopping centre) to give him, but a real hockey team to play with, as well.

On the ice, Gretzky's skill has been awesome, making every team he faces look as if it were owned by Harold Ballard. By 1985, he was averaging 200 points a season, and setting the all-time NHL records for commercials (seven endorsements in one evening, including two each for 7-Up, Traveler's Insurance and Minolta Cameras; March 10, 1985).

Nicknamed "The Heritage Fund of Alberta," Gretzky is considered the saviour of professional hockey, if only his cells can be successfully cloned.