THE GOULDSTER'S CANADIAN
AMERICAN DICTIONARY:
OR,
"WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS
A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE"

Most of us are aware of the minor variations in the way that Canadians and Americans use some words and spell others. For example, take the words serviette and napkin. A Canadian would use a serviette to mop up any beer that he or she has spilled on a bridge table. An American would use a napkin to mop up the blood after an unfortunate accident with the family gun collection. But there are more profound differences between Canadian and American English, of course, and the meanings of similar words or expressions -- whether spelled with a u or not -- often remarkably dissimilar.

To avoid further embarrassing and even dangerous understandings, I provide here a compact American-Canadian dictionary.

AMERICAN ENGLISH
American Dream: The right and even obligation of every person who immigrates to or is born in the United States of America to achieve fame, fortune, and a trophy wife less than half the age of the first, after he accomplishes the first two goals.
CANADIAN ENGLISH
Canadian Dream: To pay a serviceman cash in order to avoid the GST; to go to Hawaii (if one lives in British Columbia), Arizona (if one lives on the Prairies), or Florida (if one lives in Ontario, Quebec, or the Maritimes) in winter; and to be able to move to the United States and make real dollars.

AMERICAN ENGLISH
gun control: A communist plot to take away one's constitutional right to bear arms.
CANADIAN ENGLISH
gun control: A communist plot to take away one's Godgiven right to bear arms (rural usage); a reasonable way for governments to take guns out of the hands of unstable country hicks (city usage).

CANADIAN ENGLISH
violence: What one sees on television every night.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
violence: What one sees outside one's window every day/night.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Group of Seven: A phrase referring to a number of Canadian artists who joined loosely together in 1920 and proclaimed themselves both modern and Canadian.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Group of Seven: A global economic term referring to seven major noncommunist powers that have been meeting at formal summits since 1975. In reality, the term should refer to six powers (United States, Great Britain, Germany, France, Italy, and Japan), but out of the biblical injunction to "be kind to dumb creatures" Canada has also been included.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
takeover: To purchase something, as in "Company X was involved in a friendly takeover of Business Y yesterday, affecting both stocks negatively."
AMERICAN ENGLISH
takeover: What the U.S. government must do in order to protect the world and its own interests from aggression, fanaticism, and anti-American actions, as in "By 2006, the forcible takeover of Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, and Alberta (a province in Canada) was accomplished with ease and almost no fatalities, except from occasional 'friendly fire."'

CANADIAN ENGLISH
French: One of the two official languages of Canada.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
French: A wine-guzzling European people of dubious moral character due to a penchant for wasting time in cafes, surrendering rather than fighting, and refusing to vote with the United States at the United Nations.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Spanish: Language spoken in Spain and, slightly differently, in Mexico and most of Central and South America.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Spanish: Language that may not be taught in schools in over a dozen U.S. states lest it undermine the patriotism of Hispanics.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Liberal: Name of the official ruling federal party in Ottawa, save for brief interregnums over the past century.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Liberal: Communist; bleeding heart; pro-abortion; antischool prayer; do-gooder; fur hater; anti-smoking fanatic; Darwinian.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Adult: A person or animal that has reached maturity either physically or mentally.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Adult: An adjective informing someone that the movie, videotape, or DVD he or she is about to watch includes hard-core sex.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Argue: To talk with someone about things you do not agree on.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Argue: To fight; vehemently disagree; quarrel angrily; reach for your weapon of choice.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Blade: The metal piece on the bottom of a skate.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Blade: The flat, sharp part of a knife, often carried in a concealed location.

CANADIAN ENGLISH
Change: When something becomes different.
AMERICAN ENGLISH
Change: Something intolerable, dangerous, evil, or contrary to the Constitution of the United States.



BUMPER STICKERS: POETRY IN MOTION

People may drive cars, but it's The Car that runs the economy. Just ask the workers on the line in Detroit, Michigan, or Windsor, Ontario. Maybe that's why cars have become such an expression of personality for both Americans and Canadians -- from the make and colour, to the interior, to all the extras. And, of course, the bumper sticker.

Ah, the bumper sticker, otherwise known as the personal mobile billboard. Got an opinion? Want everyone to know that you love horses/sailing/bluegrass/Jesus/bondage? Well, some entrepreneurial kid with a few bucks and access to a print shop has printed just the slogan you want -- sticky backing included in the price. And it shouldn't be surprising that Americans and Canadians express their inner selves through this haikulike form. Here are some Canadian and American bumper stickers, placed in pairs to illuminate their respective national psyches.

American (after 9/11/02): ONE THING THEY CAN NEVER
DESTROY IS MY AMERICAN SPIRIT!
Canadian: FORGET ABOUT CBC. WHAT'S ON CABLE?

American: RED, WHITE, AND BLUE: MY COLORS DON'T RUN!
Canadian: RED TORIES AND RED LIBERALS; IS THERE NO PLACE TO RUN?

American: NO GUTS, NO GLORY
Canadian: NO GUNS, NO TORIES

American: LET'S ROLL!
Canadian: SK8ER BOI

American: OUR FLAG MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!
Canadian: OUR FLAG USED TO MEAN SOMETHING WHEN IT HAD THE UNION JACK

American: I VOTED IN THE 2000 ELECTION, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY PRESIDENT
Canadian: I'VE STOPPED VOTING BECAUSE IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY, DOES IT?

American: SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!
Canadian: SUPPORT OUR TROOPS; HAVE A BAKE SALE

American: LIVE FREE OR DIE
Canadian: LIVE HEALTHY OR DIET

American: BUY AMERICAN!
Canadian: SELL TO THE AMERICANS!

American: BIN LADEN - DEAD OR ALIVE!
Canadian: JOE CLARK - IS HE DEAD OR ALIVE?

American: PROUD TO BE AMERICAN
Canadian: RELATIVELY HAPPY NOT BEING AMERICAN, I GUESS

American: THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER
Canadian: THE MAPLE LEAF - FOR NOW, ANYWAY

American: BOMB IRAQ!
Canadian: I GOT BOMBED LAST NIGHT; I'M A WRECK

American: LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE
Canadian: LAND OF THE FREEZE, HOME OF THE BLAHS

American: BOMB TORONTO
Canadian (Western): BOMB TORONTO

American: ONE NATION, UNDER GOD
Canadian: TWO NATIONS, UNDER SNOW

American: I AM SORRY TO HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO GIVE TO MY COUNTRY
Canadian: I AM SORRY, BUT I HAVE ONLY ONE SIX-PACK LEFT

American: THE U.S.A. - NUMBER ONE, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
Canadian: CANADA - WAY UP THERE WITH SOME OF THE BETTER COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD, SOME SAY



KEY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE GREAT AMERICAN EMPIRE AND THE MIDDLING CANADIAN UMPIRE

AMERICA ON TERRORISM: It must be destroyed.
CANADA ON TERRORISM: It must be debated to death.
AMERICA ON THE REST OF THE WORLD: They
hate us because they are jealous.
CANADA ON THE REST OF THE WORLD: Why doesn't
anyone notice that we're here? I mean, like, we're big and nice and cuddly.

AMERICA ON BIN LADEN: The monster must be stopped.
CANADA ON BIN LADEN: Thank God he mentioned us, along with other countries, as a country that's worthy of being attacked.

AMERICA ON FIREARMS: Everyone should have a gun, even our children.
CANADA ON FIREARMS: With just a few more billion dollars, our federal government will be able to register hundreds of guns.

AMERICA ON QUEBEC SEPARATISM: What the hell is Quebec separatism?
CANADA ON QUEBEC SEPARATISM: Quelle d'enfer est separatism du Quebec?

AMERICA ON THE END OF THE WORLD: Nearly one in five believes that "the end of the world" will come during his or her lifetime, and nearly six in ten think that the eschatology described in the Book of Revelation is literally true and will someday occur.
CANADA ON THE END OFTHE WORLD: About one in twenty thinks that "the end of the world" will come during his or her lifetime, probably thanks to American foreign policy. And where can we buy this Revelation book? Is it the latest in the Harry Potter series?

AMERICANS ON WHO IS THE "MASTER" IN THE HOME:
Almost half of all Americans -- 49% -- agree with the following: "The father of the family must be master in his own home." Wait till Dagwood hears about this.
CANADIANS ON WHO IS THE "MASTER" IN THE HOME:
Fewer than one in five Canadians -- 18%, to be exact -- thinks that "father knows best." Indeed, often there are two fathers, and, besides, look how laughable Homer Simpson is.

AMERICANS ON HEALTH CARE, SAFETY, AND THE ENVIRONMENT: It's every man for himself, and women are okay too providing that they listen to their masters' voices.
CANADIANS ON HEALTH CARE, SAFETY, AND THE ENVIRONMENT: If the corridors in the hospitals were brightened up a little with happier colours, we'd be willing to wait a few more weeks on the gurneys for our eventual operations; hell, they're free.

AMERICANS ON IMMIGRATION: As long as they're white and Christian and speak English and willing to help raise our kids while receiving less than the minimum wage, everyone is welcome.
CANADIANS ON IMMIGRATION: All are welcome since there is lots of room for everyone, but if husbands insist on those burkas for their wives could they be see through at least?

AMERICANS ON THE DUTY OF GOVERNMENT: It should be a watchdog to make sure that we don't kill each other, unless it's with legal firearms.
CANADIANS ON THE DUTY OF GOVERNMENT: It should be a partner with the private sector and a protector of its citizens, even if we must pay thousands of dollars annually toward some kind of armed forces.

AMERICANS ON WHAT THEY EXPECT FROM THEIR LEADERS: They should enforce the law and catch cheaters, unless they are really important CEOs or really hard-to-catch foreign leaders like that Saddam character, who was behind 9/11, I think. Wasn't he?
CANADIANS ON WHAT THEY EXPECT FROM THEIR LEADERS: They should always be ready and eager and able to step in and find my uncle Louis a job so that the bastard will be able to finally move out and leave us alone.

AMERICANS ON INEQUALITY: Inequality is your own fault. Why didn't your parents leave you a large business to run, a huge house, and a fat stock portfolio like mine did?
CANADIANS ON INEQUALITY: We believe in a sense of community -- a community of communities, in fact, even though it sounded funny when Joe Clark said it -- and we're not happy when some people are too goddamn rich; let's tax those bastards to death. Who do they think they are, anyway? Americans?

AMERICANS ON POWER: We don't need anybody else. We are the most powerful nation since Ancient Rome and nineteenth-century Great Britain -- put together. We are a rock; we are an island. And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries. (Thanks, Google, and thanks, Paul Simon; the royalties are in the mail.)
CANADIANS ON POWER: We are team players. We are bridge builders. Anyone want to play bridge? We're willing to be the dummy, as usual. And, besides, we don't like war; someone might get hurt. But we lack bullets, anyway.

AMERICANS ON THEIR GREATEST CITY: New York is the best, the biggest, the loudest, the most cultured, the most dangerous. It's the city that never sleeps, showers, or shaves. If we can make it here, we can make it anywhere -- and we did, and we do. If you can't take the heat, get off our concrete, you fuckingassholeupyours.
CANADIANS ON THEIR GREATEST CITY: Over 40% of Torontonians come from somewhere else, and 84.6% of them still root for their "home teams" over Canadian ones when they play there. Why, even our diseases come from other continents. We have over two thousand ethnic restaurants, not that we needed any of them to remind us that British cuisine tastes like dreck. Our local radio and TV stations broadcast in nearly three dozen languages, including Patois, Tagalog, and CBC, all of them left-wing. Come see our Sikh temples, our Muslim mosques, our Hindu shrines, our Jewish synagogues, our empty churches. Come see the Danforth, with its Greek signs; our five Chinatowns, with their Chinese signs; the Beaches, with its now-faded signs of "No Irish Need Apply" and "No Jews or Dogs Allowed." And it's the safest city on Earth if you avoid our SARS-ridden hospitals, our West Nile-ridden mosquitoes, beef from western Canada, and any nonethnic restaurants. International terrorists don't even know we exist, and those thousands of terrorists who live here love it too much to blow up anything; it's just like home, only better.

AMERICANS ON THEIR LEADER, GEORGE W. BUSH: God, but he looked manly arriving on that fighter jet in that cooooool combat suit! Sure, he avoided the army as a kid, but he beat the hell out of the sixteenth-century army of Iraq, didn't he? Yeah, he wasn't really elected, but he's kinda cute, and that recent tax cut will allow me to get those Jaguar and Mercedes SUVs I've been longing for.
CANADIANS ON THEIR ETERNAL RULER, JEAN CHETIEN: I can't understand a goddamn word he says, but who cares? He kept us out of Iraq, didn't he? At least he doesn't come to news conferences on a seadoo in a wetsuit, like that western jerk. Sure, he didn't have to take two full years to retire, but then the Lord created the world in only six days, and look at the crappy shape of the world.

AMERICANS ON CANADA AND CANADIANS: Never heard of it. Never heard of them. Are they European?
CANADIANS ON AMERICA AND AMERICANS: What a country! What a people! To think they were once European!

AMERICA IN A PHRASE: "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," even if I have to kill you to get all three. And I will; I will; I will.
CANADA IN A PHRASE: "Peace, order, and good government"; well, peace and order are still two out of three, and batting even .300 will earn you $5 million (U.S.!) in professional baseball. Remember that.

AMERICA IN A WORD: Passion.
CANADA IN A WORD: Compassion. Well, unless it's gonna cost a lot.